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Okay, so hey, got to think of a gift for mousy haired girl.
Maybe I could make this easier if I was just a mean son of a bitch.
Like if I walked up to my friends every day and squirted lemon juice in their eyes, punched them hard in their stomachs, and snickered to myself as they keeled over in pain.
THEN one day, one of them would see me coming up, and flinch as usual, bracing himself, and I'd look right at him and say "Oh, hi there."
And he'd look confused and say "But aren't you going to squirt lemon juice in my eye, punch me hard in my stomach, and then snicker as I keel over in pain?"
And I'd say - "Not today Jeff. Happy Birthday!"
And then he'd smile, and we'd have a big laugh at the pub and drink lots and lots of rounds, and eventually pass out under the bar.
The next day, bright and early Jeff would ask me for directions back home as he is now completely lost, and I would reach out my arm, squirt lemon juice in his eye, punch him hard in the stomach, and snicker.
And Jeff would smile; the world was back to normal. Everything would be safe and normal again.
But sadly, I don't do that.
So, I think I'll just have to get mousy haired girl some chocolates, a card, some flowers, and maybe some perfume that I will pick at the department store because the bottle it comes in has an interesting shape but it is still not terribly expensive.
Then I will walk out of the mall and buy a few used books for myself.
I will go home and throw the books in the corner and never read them.
But it makes me feel better knowing that they are there.
I think this is my best plan yet.
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